Saturday, February 21st, 2004
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8:23 pm - Lordy, don't leave me...
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I haven't used this space in quite a while. Haven't really needed to. That's changed too, I guess.
It seems like everyone and everything is falling apart around me. All the resolve and promise that marked the beginning of this year seems to be tarnished now or maybe it was just guilded in the first place; disguised to look like something it is not.
3 major relationships of friends and family have disintegrated and unraveled in the past two weeks. Couples that I look at as totally stable and about as 'forever' as forever can get. And now they're nothing but dust and ashes. It leaves me asking the question: How can this happen?
Couple that with the lingering doubts I'm having with my own relationship and you have the makings of a real can of emotional worms. I don't want to run and hide but yet I don't feel safe anymore. I've felt my own romantic feelings dim and cool like an oven burner that's been switched off. Something that used to radiate intensely has now chilled and hardened into nothing more than a cold, silent spiral.
I'm starting to believe that nothing lasts. It's not that I don't believe love doesn't exist anymore because I know it does. But I am starting to believe that commitment is dying. No one knows how to stick things out anymore. No one knows how to compromise or work through things. Bad stuff happens and you just up and leave, find someone new and move on with your life. What happened to honoring your commitments? Why does it take longer to break a lease on an apartment (60 days) than to break apart a marriage (30 days)?
Doesn't this indicate that our priorities have gotten dramatically out of whack?
I'm a pretty liberal person. I'm open-minded and accepting for the most part. I try to let everyone live their own lives however they see fit, even if I don't agree with it. But at times like this I find myself wondering if they know how to live their lives? I'm realizing most people don't even know how to make themselves happy much less any body else and I'm right there in the same boat with them.
Lately I've felt myself descending into silence. The fact of the matter is that I just don't know what to say so I haven't said anything at all. But these are my fears. They haven't diminished, they haven't gone away. And though I won't share them with all the world, I will share them here in the silence. Maybe someday it will have some answers for me.
current mood:  anxious
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
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10:16 pm
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I'm not dead yet. I just stopped talking.
.. but then I ask myself, is there really a difference?
current mood:  blah
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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12:37 pm
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I'm sitting here almost ignoring the all too familiar press of things I need to get done this weekend. Getting ready for a special event in my life always throws me into a frenzy of cleaning and preparation, this time being no exception.
There is a lingering worry though. Not about the event.
I got a call yesterday, regarding a job. A job far, far away from where I currently live. Originally, when I submitted resumes to this place, it seemed like a great idea. A wild and wooley adventure, the right thing to do.
Now it seems like this terrifying and dreadfully complicated ordeal that will hurl my life into major upheaval. Getting a job is only the first step. Then I need to find a place and move my stuff, all the while juggling my pets and responsibilities. *sigh* This is going to take some work if it is to happen.
Another frightening thing is giving up everything I know: my friends, the city, closeness to my family, etc. to move someplace where there is nothing I know, not even directions. I can't even drive the way I'm used to. It is the utter antithesis of life as I know it. I do not take this lightly.
Yes, today seems to be a day of fear and indecision. I am trying not to worry. No need to worry until I actually get a job offer. And I'll make it, one way or the other, just maybe not in the way I thought or the way I haven't planned yet.
I just need to remember: take it one day at a time.
current mood:  stressed
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
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11:45 pm - *GROWL*
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A tip for everyone: Never fuckin' try to dictate to me when I will and will not do something. As my friends you have every right to have input into my life but never make the mistake of thinking I have to follow your advice, even if I ask it of you. If doing whatever you tell me is a condition of us being friends, then fuck you. I won't do it.
I am my own person and I will live my life. No, this is not out of the frying pan and into the fire, this is just fact. You will not hold 'us' over my head to get what you want, so just take your goddamn guilt trip and shove it up your mother-fucking ass!
current mood:  pissed off
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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12:22 am
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I'm feeling rather detached and empty tonite, though not in a bad way. Human contact has seemed alien to me for the most part, so I'm thankful I've been alone today.
I'm not really in a bad mood. The only thing I can really say is that I wish I felt more content. But I don't. So I guess I better get over it.
I'll be so glad when this damn cough is finally gone.
current mood: mmrr.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
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12:21 pm - Messages to people from my other friends list:
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1. I love someone else but if it weren't for that, I'd give us a shot.
2. You are so beautiful and fun and nice. You're so close to my definition of perfect that it makes me love and hate you all at the same time.
3. You are not what I thought you'd be like. I figured you'd be less full of shit.
4. You and your husband laughed at me without giving me a chance to explain myself. I think that's pretty pretentious of you both. In fact, there's a lot about you I find pretentious.
5. I really admire your strength and personal confidence. You exude the exact essence of what it is to be female and because of that you hve earned my eternal respect.
6. I'm glad we've made friends. When I came here I wanted a more female-centric lifestyle after decades of being 'one of the guys'. I strived to circle myself with strong, independent, opinionated and educated females. You are definitely one of those.
7. Sometimes I wonder if the odds against us aren't something we can overcome. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I can't decide if I want to be with you so much as I want to be with *someone*. I keep waiting for that answer.
8. If I could, I'd move there and take care of you and your child. We'd be a family.
9. I was more attracted to you than I was comfortable admitting so I flirted with the idea. In retrospect it's easier to flirt with it than it is to deal with the reality.
10. You are way too busy for your own good.
current mood:  sick
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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9:18 pm
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I think, next time I am depressed, I am going to try checking out porn.
current mood: adventurous
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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12:21 am
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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7:05 pm - Finally home...
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What a day. Work was painful at best and the hours just *drug* by endlessly. Finally made it home and tried to cook dinner and nearly set the kitchen on fire.
*sigh*
Crisis was averted however and dinner is almost ready. BBQ baked chicken and mac-n-cheese. Mmm. Then I think B & K are coming over to smoke a bowl.
I really hope that a little something to mellow me out will help me relax for the evening.
I neeeed to relax, to get things off my mind for a few minutes. Survival is some scary shit, folks.
I'm starting to think I'm more afraid of that than it's alternative.
current mood: cranky
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(comment on this)
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11:09 am
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Ugh. Last night was horrible. I haven't felt that way since my last major depression which ended in May. I've never had a panic attack stand alone that way. It's kinda creepy because I also contribute it to the depression I'm typically feeling when they occur. The idea that those feelings can occur without much provocation is rather disturbing for me.
Not to mention how its all left me feeling like I got run through the ringer of a midevil washing machine. My joints ache, I feel tired beyond belief. Almost numb.
The other thing that disturbs me is how my logical mind assessed all of that. I was pretty sure I knew what was happening to me. I knew I had no valid reasons for the anxiety I felt. I tried writing about it to chase away the demons but they came for me anyway.
The whole thing was very surreal and it totally blows my 'mind over matter' theory out of the water.
Today I'm left feeling a lot like a hollow sea-shell, bumping across the bottom of the ocean with the weight of all that water overhead and yet being listless, drifting almost ghost-like on the currents of life.
I just want to go back to sleep but no, I have to go to work. And supposedly spanish class tonite. I'm thinking I might skip class though, I just don't know that I can deal with it.
current mood:  sore
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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9:03 pm
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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
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7:32 pm - This is me, trying to relate
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I'm starting to think this journal is just another excuse to keep my personality fractured.
This is the place I can talk about getting high.
This is the place I can admit to wanting to have sex with a writer simply because elegant words turn me on.
This is the place I can admit that I'm dirty.
This is the true voice in my head because I won't allow it to be anything less than pure.
I admit I've been feeling lonely and depressed despite having no real reason to feel that way. Mindless nuerosese. Depression simply for the sake of feeling something when joy is beyond me.
I haven't spoken to a soul about this journal. Although one or two people have come to mind. People I wouldn't mind telling. People who I wouldn't mind knowing. People who I trust, though I've never met them, which is usually the case with LJ people. But that's okay. Even if I met them after they read these, I could still look them in the eye. I feel I've chosen responsibly there.
The real question is, will I truly confess or will I continue to horde this little secret away from the eyes of all of the world.
I've grown to enjoy reveling in its honesty.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: conjure one
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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10:42 pm - A Beginning...
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I've started this journal for the express purpose of posting things to it that I cannot post to my regular journal for the simple reason that: people read it.
I need this anonymity. I need to write or vent or talk without it being connected to me as a person. I need the outlet.
I need to express this to the metaphorical you without filters or the constraints of your pre-conceived notions about me.
From this moment on, whatever you think of me, know that its only your opinion. It's not really me. Whether you love or hate me, you cannot know me because its all in your head. You're making me up as I go along. And that's alright, because I'm using you too.
I need to pretend that someone is listening.
current mood:  blank
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